This is planet Earth.

I'm a fan of the Scissor Sisters. I got their album a while back and have since enjoyed them a lot. When my birthday reared its ugly annual head, I noticed that they were playing down in Bristol at the renowned Fleece & Firkin.

However, due to unforeskin circumcisions, I had to stay up in Worcester and go out for a meal. No major loss (Who am I kidding, I was fucking gutted.) but a lovely chinese meal with the family in its place.

No matter. In place of this missed opportunity my girl had bought me tickets to see Duran Duran for the 25th of April, and yesterday night, myself and girl went up to the Birmingham NEC Arena and saw the aforementioned New Romantic rockers.

Well, what a gig! It certainly blew the pants off me. I'm glad I've seen them now, and I understand how much they were a part of my childhood/ life. They played all the oldies (and goodies) with a few new tunes (which weren't half bad, some were bad and a half) They sounded and looked good, the arena was packed, there was great atmosphere and it really was a privilege to see these boys play.

The merchandise they sold stated proudly "1978" emblazened on the front of the T-shirts. It never really dawned on me these guys have been around for nigh on 26 years. Holy shit in a can! Yes, that means we're all very old and may as well retire now.

The food and drink was very expensive, but its an arena so, what do you expect I suppose? Can't complain because to be honest I didn't want to drink, the show was engrossing and a joy to watch.

Finishing off with "Rio" was the piece of sheer resistance. Massive deafening applause and whoops and cheers on a wonderous night. (Don't worry though, I'm not tempted to become a Duranophile just yet.)

Oh, and the support weren't too bad either.

...It was the Scissor Sisters. (!)


"We could be the next Coldplay."

As part of my student teacher training I have to take part in extra curricular activities in school. This results in taking part in parent's evenings, staying for computer club or any other club you care to fancy.

Being an old hand at the guitar and a few other instruments I lent myself to include myself in a practice- yay indeed a 'jam' with a group of Year 7s.

I'd brought my old guitar along and walked into the practice room.

My god, they were all so small, even the drummer needed a higher stool to reach the toms. It was like being at a concert with the Mini- Baby Beatles. I felt like an overgrown lanky giant tripping up on all the leads. At one point, sat down playing piano, I broke a stool which had been originally designed for children, but couldn't take the weight of a 27 yr old frame.


Well, I said it was ok, because I broke it so it wasn't too bad. The jam was brilliant, and they were all really enjoying it. I got to know their names and I told them mine- yes even my real name- not just my teacher name. We all strummed and hummed and banged and drummed for a good hour and made good progress. I did almost lose myself thinking "Oh my god I'm finally in a band."

Then everything stoppped and I was back in the present. The drummer was getting picked up by his mum, the basist had to go over to his mates to play Playstation. We all congratulated each other on playing well and we said good bye. I 'm ready to practice with them again, I enjoyed it. But it didn't stop me from stopping them before they got to the door and saying, "Hey guys, if we keep practising, we could be the next Coldplay."

Don't laugh. No please don't. I'm still cringing now.

They left, probably ignoring me, instantly breaking down whatever cool repoirtoire we'd made over the hour over some vapid, wanky remark.


What Next? Two laboratory grown human ears in a petri dish with mice grafted on the side? Cloned?

Just found this weird yet intriguing touched up image whilst surfing for.. erm, pictures of chimps being hatched... Ok, I'll get a life.

Above: Bad science in action.

Rare Word Reaction

Today, coming back to school for a staff training day, I heard someone use the word 'crestfallen'.

It was during a staff meeting and it was used (Perhaps unsurprisingly) by an English teacher. It was dropped into a sentence as casually as using the word 'a' or 'the'- as if everyone used it on an everyday basis.

As the teacher said it, everyone was still listening to him speak. I just sat back, crunched my face up as if in confusion and the back of my mind said;

"Hang on guys, this person just used the word 'crestfallen'.. When was the last time anyone used that word in a sentence this century? Crestfallen?"

The teacher carried on talking, but I was left thinking to myself....

'Crestfallen' ? ?


Later on, in retrospect, I thought my initial reaction had been very wanky and small minded, and the teacher had every right to use that word in front of me. Why the hell not? The teacher does teach English after all!

In fact, in my mind I commended the use of a word that is rarely put into everyday use. I'm sure you've been in a conversation where you will all be talking about something or other (As conversations are bound to do at some point) when someone drops in a long and convoluted word.

The reaction is usually "Ooh, who's swallowed a dictionary?" or something along those lines. We've all been there. We should celebrate our rich and varied language more than we do.

...Or maybe its just me. Maybe everyone else uses the word 'crestfallen' and I don't- christ,I don't even know if I'm spelling it right. Maybe I do need to get out more and not to feel so damn.. crestfallen about such issues of the english language and its use.

... Anyone heard or indeed used any rare descriptive words recently?

p.s. I've also not heard the word 'augment' in a long whole, which is one of my all time favourites.


Oooh I've fallen in love with the wettest part of England

(The door bursts open, chicken flutter out of the way, dustbins collide and topple over)

Hey ya'all!

Oh good crikey I've made it through the rain and over a thousand flaming valleys to reach my homely destination once again.

It feels like I've been on the road forever (Well, it started last Wednesday which seems like a 1,000 years ago), which is not a bad thing. I've almost got over the affliction I began to suffer at the end of my Cornwall Odyssey. Sucking on the piss soaked disinfectant only made me stronger! (Although I lost sight in one eye which is shame as I only have one eye and complete loss of feeling down in my knees but, you know, who needs feelings in their knees?) Looking back at that, and gauging the types of responses from everyone on this and Mr. Crumbs site it is clear this was a very controversial act to perform. It was totally out of character, I've never done it before and am disgusted in retrospect, believe me on this and I suffice to say this will now be my standard party trick if ever you meet me.

Yes, the coughing up of lungbutter has now ebbed to a mere morning splutter now, although I think I've passed on my lurgy to my girl which was inevitable as she came on holiday with me anyway.

The Lakes were amazing, let me just say that. I never thought anything could beat Rhyl Town Centre but I was TOTALLY wrong. Hills upon hills upon dales upon dales upon fields and lakes and trees and lakes and grass and sheep and lakes and farmers and trees and rocks and birds and pubs and lakes and I'll stop right there.

If you've never been GO, if you've been and this is old hat, I do apologise for being so ignorant of erm, ignoring this small section of heaven in the UK. Even when it was pissing down, it looked, felt and even smelt bloomin' marvellous.

We stayed in a holiday cottage in a place called Ulpha Fell. You may think this name belongs on a place more suited to a distrcit on, say, Mars, and you wouldn't be too far wrong. Remote was not the word for this place. Civilisation had not quite reached this neck of the woods (There were no actual woods to speak of, no nothing really) . But it was quiet and tranquil which was the object of the holiday.

However our so- called 'relaxing holiday' was punctuated with a lust for adventure and soon enough me and the girl were out walking, wandering ,ambling ,rambling, sauntering, staggering and at one point I think I minced up a hill which I thought was refreshing and something the Ramblers Association should take on board.

We went on boats over lakes (Windermere, Ullswater), walked till our feet became stumps (Grizedale Forest, Wrynose Pass), toured the outlying towns (Coniston, Ambleside, Keswick, Barrow-In-Furness) and got pissed (Bowness-On-Windermere). By the end of it all we were, if you'll excuse the language, fucking roight knackered.

We sat on the shore of Lake Windermere this morning, knowing we had to leave it all behind soon enough. Both sad and heavy in heart we left leaving all those precious moments in our heads and on camera.

I've got to come back here. Its so lovely...

... Hey why don't you come with me? (just bring a sleeping bag and some Mints because your breath smells in the morning...Ok scrub that)

Christ, its just under 4 hours away, whats that?...

..About two episodes of Inspector Morse...


Ill Communication


I've been coughing up what can only be desrcibed as goo. Its yuck. My throat is sore, I've been coughing pretty much all night and drifting in and out of really thin and crap sleep (The type of sleep where you think your nodding off but your eyes are still open and you're still staring at the same bit of wall.) All in all I feel I need a new body because I believe this one is slowing dying of being a bit shit.

Anyway, I don't mean to bog you down with all my personal troubles, but I reckon this is all a result from the frivolity I had with Mr. Crumb over the later stages of last week.

We went and had a right royal laugh down in Cornwall complete with tent and video camera although the batteries packed up in the first ten minutes so well worth bringing that... A couple of night's drunken debauchery which resulted in myself placing a urinal disinfectant in my mouth like you would a mint imperial. (That's right, those little yellow luminous blocks of bleach that had already been pissed on, in- my- mouth..)

Good food, good drink, good surf, good weather and very friendly locals = All in all a lovely time, and will go again next year no doubt. But I'm just a little concerned with this whole 'being ill' deal. I don't want to feel ill each time the holidays come around. This has happened before, where my body has stored up all the crap especially for outside school hours and then let rip as soon as I've booked some time off to go somewhere.

I say "Stop it body, you're being unfair. Be ill during school so that I can have time off work and still really enjoy my holidays."

It doesn't help that I'm off AGAIN up to the lake district tomorrow with my girl for the week.

I mean, what can a boy do?...

(Apart from suck Harpic Bloo...)


Thank Christ!- Easter is almost here...

Ho ho ho and a-merry- new April to those of you who may not have realised it. Things have been going swimmingly for myself in the last few days.

To begin with I had a lovely chinese meal on Friday with my family (and it was free which was a bonus level in my book), the weekend saw me and my girl going down to Bristol to meet Meester Crumb and Lady Crumb, as well as Mr. Boardie, Mr. Cavalier and other named people who shall remain nameless but who are no less important or relevant to proceedings.

The night out was a belated birthday going out and which consisted of a group of us doing the 100 metre sprint from pub to pub as it was absolutely very raining everywhere ALL night. Everyone got very wet and all the nice pubs that we wanted to try out were a bit too far away, without having the danger of drowning before we got to them.

But hey, a good night nonetheless.

Then on the Sunday I moved out 34% of my belongings from my pad in Bristol up to my Grandmas, as a kind of storage place/area. Grandma doesn't mind, and it would be cheaper than actually putting it all in storage. You see, as it stands I've got two homes at the moment. The home in Bristol and my folks home in Worcester. Its a bit of an uneasy feeling when you have stuff lying around in two houses- you feel as though your real home lies somewhere halfway down the M5. Tewkesbury perhaps.

This week (so far) has been easy for me- as a student teacher I should have been given the week off (The school is open both Monday and Tuesday), but decided to work the Monday because I felt bad (So did my other half). I saw the school Kareoke and took part in a Parents Evening which was very interesting. You spend all day with these kids and you never really think about where they actually came from, what their parents look like or what their whole home environment is like. I know you shouldn't judge books by their covers but in some instances you can see a direct link between the way a kid behaves and the way the parent presents him/herself.

Tonight will be concerned with seeing The Reduced Shakespeare Company in the Theatre Royal, Bath which should be a hoot.

Then after the latter part of this week Crumb and I are off travelling the South West armed with a tent and a video camera in search of an elusive answer to a life long question that has not yet been asked.

Yes, that's right, a video camera, a tent, two men.


(Don't worry, we've done it before and survived a 'Deliverance' style ordeal only with a card shark who nearly took all our money one hellish night....Note to self- Just remember to bring a crossbow and a guitar...)

Above: In between takes of seeing a man squeal like a pig, Burt Reynolds strikes a pose."I'm meeean as a muthfu**a!" he probably said, back in the '70s.


What a lovely week its been

Its been a week of highs and lows all in all. I've been looking forward to today, but I've had a few excellent days this week too.

Most notably was my birthday and let me just say for the record, thank you everyone for wishing me on my birthday, I felt very honoured.

It was also nice when I went to school and some of the staff wished me happy birthday and my girlfriend got me a cake and we all had some.. Very nice.

I then told my class of year 10s (4th years for the old skoolers) that I was in a good mood today because it was my birthday. I got a few 'happy birthday sir's and then thought not much of it after that. About half way through the lesson a boy called me over to where he was sat and produced a card for me!! It had been produced using a card making program and ALL the class had signed it proving:

(A) there is still love in the world (And it made me go all soft inside and I went red and openly said ' I think I'm going to cry' which made them laugh, and

(b) what a shit teacher I am in terms of observing what the kids are doing behind my back!

The weekend ahead is my birthday celebrations proper (I know I'm flogging this till it bleeds but hey, I think I deserve this), having a slap up chinese meal with my fambly tonight and then drinks and chips with my ever loving sidekick Mr. Crumb at the weekend, to which later on next week, we will be sharing a tent together somewhere in the wastelands of Nowhere. Promises to be action packed let me tell you.

Until then I will have to work 2 days at the start of the week but both days, I'll get the kids to design Easter cards and let them surf the interweb. Schuperb.