Eternal Bonobo Love

This site has since died:

2006-08-14T15:04:00.000+01:00

Sorry, but Bonobo Love has found another cave to split his mangoes in.

Feel free to visit his old and shortened down name-site at "Bonobo Love"

...or for more recent blog tomfoolery visit "The Mighty Love" (This is an amlagam blog with Bonobo Love and The Mighty Crumb)

Either way, Love don't live here no more.

X.

Ooops

2004-05-23T08:41:00.000+01:00

I am so sorry here, I was playing around with the format of my blog and, believe me when I tell you this- I accidentally changed it..

Its meant sheer calamity- the lovely colour scheme I had has gone (Cadburys Caramel fans will be gutted)

I've lost my counter (I was nearly on 1000!!)

I've lost all of my precious links to all of you lovelies...

And my comments.. all lost...

All lost foerever, in a heartbeat, somewhere in cyberspace..

I'll sort it out however.. NEVER FEAR!

(Yes, I'll have comments on there soon so that you can call me a great big fuckwit as well)

Is it me?

2004-05-19T18:47:00.000+01:00

Excuse me for saying this, but is it me or is it too hot to blog?

I'm roasting at the moment and can't find much time to blog because I've been stuck down a freezer all day. It annoying but I have to do it in order to survive. The bonobo monkey cannot live in temperatures much above 'lukewarm'.

No seriously folks, its been a busy old time up here, making plans, hatching plans, laying plans, hatching eggs, laying tables, making cakes, you know.. BUSY like.

Trying to sort out where the fack to live is one thing, one tiny little thing that could make or break our journies to work every day, there and back so we (me and me girl incase you didn't know) must choose carefully.

The jobs have been sorted (SEE PREVIOUS BLOG WITH RELIEVED BABY), but one more headache has been brought unto my attention. Over the weekend I went and visited Mr. Pencil for the Eurovision Thong Contest, and just as I was getting near his house my car started making odd non- car like noises.

'Sweet suffering fuck' I thought, 150 miles away from home.

I let it go, thought maybe it was just the heat getting to it. You know, how cars get really ratty and tired in the scorching heats just like us human beans?

I thought my car was feeling like that, because, you know, you would when you have no understanding of the mechanics of what makes these horseless carriages move in the first place.

After the party and feeling close to as bad as I've ever felt (...after a night of drinking much beer in my clothes in a bath full of cans of beer with Mr. Crumb initially against my will and then soon finding it the most liberating experience I'd had all May...) I made my merry way home. The car started fine and then, once I hit 40 mph, it began to shudder and shudder it did. Really bad. The passenger seat beside me looked like an epileptic, the back window looked like an earthquake was happening behind me. It was serious, but as long as I kept under 40 mph, I'd be fine.

Reading to Worcester usually takes an hour and 20.. Thats providing your car works properly i.e. moves from time to time.

It took me over 3 hours, in the baking heat, avoiding all motorways and going through thousands of small lovely looking villages with so many temporary traffic lights you simply wouldn't believe me, plus I was feeling thirsty, hungry and tired...

It was an endurance test but I made it back (I've actually forgotten the last 50 or so miles because of sheer trauma)..

Result: I need a new car, I'm sorry but my old one is officially going the way of all cars so... I may as well get a new one. eh?

Sweet Blessed Relief

2004-05-12T18:08:00.000+01:00

Oh my god...

It's all going to be ok.. Finally... You don't know how long I've been waiting for this to happen...

That's right, I...

got...

meself....

a...........

JOB!!!!!

Yes! Yes! Yes and yes again! I can't go into it for reasons that cannot be fully explained at present (Its fine, trust me), but I secured a job yesterday and today, my girlfriend ALSO got a job! How lovely is that!?!? I'm over the moon I really frickin' am! Its like a huge weight, like a lead weight, no.. a concrete weight lifted off me... Now I know where to work, I now know where I need to find a place to live..

Details to follow soon...

Ahhhhhh........

Above: Sweet relief all round!

Interviews 2 Bonobo 0

2004-05-07T20:29:00.000+01:00

Didn't get it in the end.

Strangely for me but feeling a bit low, and a bit like someone's kicked me square in the balls, laughed at me and then ran away (Whilst interviewing me at the same time).

Wonder if I'll ever get a job and wonder what is wrong with me... (Is it the giant polar bear I take with me everywhere? Maybe that puts them off me coming across as a person, I don't know...)

Rats.

Shit.

..Er, ratshit.

Above: A semi- disillusioned Bonobo monkey worrying about the state of future employment in his cage.

My poor head

2004-05-05T21:14:00.000+01:00

I've got so much to do its really unreal. Things were going fine until tonight... Now I have to prepare for an interview for Friday! A school in Kidderminster phoned me up and said they wanted me to come for an interview!

Great!- But also means its adds to the piling list of work already in front of me..

Aww bum... My head hurts from looking at a computer monitor all day- and this blog ain't helping me...

Also its my mum and dad's 20th wedding anniversary today! This means it was exactly 20 years ago today (when Sgt Pepper taught the band to play) that I was a wee 7 year old, sitting on my Uncles knee at the registry office bawling my eyes out because I thought my mum was going to leave me for this strange new man who had a different surname to the one I was used to.

Funny how we see things when we're kids eh? Well, anyway it all turned out wine and roses in the end and after 20 years faithful service to each other I gave them the present I'd bought in Brighton- a handpainted ostrich egg.

Yeeeah, do I know how to party or do I know how to party?

(I think you'll find the answer to be no anyway.)

Alex Papps

2004-05-01T08:52:00.000+01:00

Above: Alex Papps

Remember this aussie beauty? Whatever happened to him? Did he slip in that tv bin alongside 'The Sullivans'? and 'Albion Market'?

(This post originates from the holiday Crumb and me had in Newquay where we ended up talking about euphemisms for boobs and the like. Crumb said 'Paps' and I thought this was funny and then remembered this dude here.)

..Just a thought anyway...

Other news making it big this week

- Jammed again with my teeny boppers. Didn't break a chair this time whilst playing the piano and managed to keep time too. Tried to play the drums but it was like playing in a cockpit designed for a baby chimp. Decided drums aren't for me. The band are getting better and I'm teaching them how to play Staple Beginner Song No.3 House of the Rising Sun. Soon be selling out stadiums across the UK, just you watch.

- Off to Brighton this weekend with the lady. Never been before- is it ok? I'm assured its a lovely place, hey its by the sea! What could go wrong?

- Sent off more teaching application forms and lo and behold there's a post opened up at the school I'm in at the moment... the problem is I'll be competing with my girlfriend for the job! Oh deary me!

(I'll let her tyres down on the day of the interview..! Ha!)

Above: Bonobo and his hairy pal letting down tyres and other criminal stuff

(..Fuck, we share the car..)

This is planet Earth.

2004-04-26T17:55:00.000+01:00

I'm a fan of the Scissor Sisters. I got their album a while back and have since enjoyed them a lot. When my birthday reared its ugly annual head, I noticed that they were playing down in Bristol at the renowned Fleece & Firkin.

However, due to unforeskin circumcisions, I had to stay up in Worcester and go out for a meal. No major loss (Who am I kidding, I was fucking gutted.) but a lovely chinese meal with the family in its place.

No matter. In place of this missed opportunity my girl had bought me tickets to see Duran Duran for the 25th of April, and yesterday night, myself and girl went up to the Birmingham NEC Arena and saw the aforementioned New Romantic rockers.

Well, what a gig! It certainly blew the pants off me. I'm glad I've seen them now, and I understand how much they were a part of my childhood/ life. They played all the oldies (and goodies) with a few new tunes (which weren't half bad, some were bad and a half) They sounded and looked good, the arena was packed, there was great atmosphere and it really was a privilege to see these boys play.

The merchandise they sold stated proudly "1978" emblazened on the front of the T-shirts. It never really dawned on me these guys have been around for nigh on 26 years. Holy shit in a can! Yes, that means we're all very old and may as well retire now.

The food and drink was very expensive, but its an arena so, what do you expect I suppose? Can't complain because to be honest I didn't want to drink, the show was engrossing and a joy to watch.

Finishing off with "Rio" was the piece of sheer resistance. Massive deafening applause and whoops and cheers on a wonderous night. (Don't worry though, I'm not tempted to become a Duranophile just yet.)

Oh, and the support weren't too bad either.

...It was the Scissor Sisters. (!)

"We could be the next Coldplay."

2004-04-22T20:10:00.000+01:00

As part of my student teacher training I have to take part in extra curricular activities in school. This results in taking part in parent's evenings, staying for computer club or any other club you care to fancy.

Being an old hand at the guitar and a few other instruments I lent myself to include myself in a practice- yay indeed a 'jam' with a group of Year 7s.

I'd brought my old guitar along and walked into the practice room.

My god, they were all so small, even the drummer needed a higher stool to reach the toms. It was like being at a concert with the Mini- Baby Beatles. I felt like an overgrown lanky giant tripping up on all the leads. At one point, sat down playing piano, I broke a stool which had been originally designed for children, but couldn't take the weight of a 27 yr old frame.

*KRAK!*

Well, I said it was ok, because I broke it so it wasn't too bad. The jam was brilliant, and they were all really enjoying it. I got to know their names and I told them mine- yes even my real name- not just my teacher name. We all strummed and hummed and banged and drummed for a good hour and made good progress. I did almost lose myself thinking "Oh my god I'm finally in a band."

Then everything stoppped and I was back in the present. The drummer was getting picked up by his mum, the basist had to go over to his mates to play Playstation. We all congratulated each other on playing well and we said good bye. I 'm ready to practice with them again, I enjoyed it. But it didn't stop me from stopping them before they got to the door and saying, "Hey guys, if we keep practising, we could be the next Coldplay."

Don't laugh. No please don't. I'm still cringing now.

They left, probably ignoring me, instantly breaking down whatever cool repoirtoire we'd made over the hour over some vapid, wanky remark.

What Next? Two laboratory grown human ears in a petri dish with mice grafted on the side? Cloned?

2004-04-19T18:47:00.000+01:00

Just found this weird yet intriguing touched up image whilst surfing for.. erm, pictures of chimps being hatched... Ok, I'll get a life.

Above: Bad science in action.

Rare Word Reaction

2004-04-19T18:40:00.000+01:00

Today, coming back to school for a staff training day, I heard someone use the word 'crestfallen'.

It was during a staff meeting and it was used (Perhaps unsurprisingly) by an English teacher. It was dropped into a sentence as casually as using the word 'a' or 'the'- as if everyone used it on an everyday basis.

As the teacher said it, everyone was still listening to him speak. I just sat back, crunched my face up as if in confusion and the back of my mind said;

"Hang on guys, this person just used the word 'crestfallen'.. When was the last time anyone used that word in a sentence this century? Crestfallen?"

The teacher carried on talking, but I was left thinking to myself....

'Crestfallen' ? ?

?

Later on, in retrospect, I thought my initial reaction had been very wanky and small minded, and the teacher had every right to use that word in front of me. Why the hell not? The teacher does teach English after all!

In fact, in my mind I commended the use of a word that is rarely put into everyday use. I'm sure you've been in a conversation where you will all be talking about something or other (As conversations are bound to do at some point) when someone drops in a long and convoluted word.

The reaction is usually "Ooh, who's swallowed a dictionary?" or something along those lines. We've all been there. We should celebrate our rich and varied language more than we do.

...Or maybe its just me. Maybe everyone else uses the word 'crestfallen' and I don't- christ,I don't even know if I'm spelling it right. Maybe I do need to get out more and not to feel so damn.. crestfallen about such issues of the english language and its use.

... Anyone heard or indeed used any rare descriptive words recently?

p.s. I've also not heard the word 'augment' in a long whole, which is one of my all time favourites.

Oooh I've fallen in love with the wettest part of England

2004-04-17T21:02:00.000+01:00

(The door bursts open, chicken flutter out of the way, dustbins collide and topple over)

Hey ya'all!

Oh good crikey I've made it through the rain and over a thousand flaming valleys to reach my homely destination once again.

It feels like I've been on the road forever (Well, it started last Wednesday which seems like a 1,000 years ago), which is not a bad thing. I've almost got over the affliction I began to suffer at the end of my Cornwall Odyssey. Sucking on the piss soaked disinfectant only made me stronger! (Although I lost sight in one eye which is shame as I only have one eye and complete loss of feeling down in my knees but, you know, who needs feelings in their knees?) Looking back at that, and gauging the types of responses from everyone on this and Mr. Crumbs site it is clear this was a very controversial act to perform. It was totally out of character, I've never done it before and am disgusted in retrospect, believe me on this and I suffice to say this will now be my standard party trick if ever you meet me.

Yes, the coughing up of lungbutter has now ebbed to a mere morning splutter now, although I think I've passed on my lurgy to my girl which was inevitable as she came on holiday with me anyway.

The Lakes were amazing, let me just say that. I never thought anything could beat Rhyl Town Centre but I was TOTALLY wrong. Hills upon hills upon dales upon dales upon fields and lakes and trees and lakes and grass and sheep and lakes and farmers and trees and rocks and birds and pubs and lakes and I'll stop right there.

If you've never been GO, if you've been and this is old hat, I do apologise for being so ignorant of erm, ignoring this small section of heaven in the UK. Even when it was pissing down, it looked, felt and even smelt bloomin' marvellous.

We stayed in a holiday cottage in a place called Ulpha Fell. You may think this name belongs on a place more suited to a distrcit on, say, Mars, and you wouldn't be too far wrong. Remote was not the word for this place. Civilisation had not quite reached this neck of the woods (There were no actual woods to speak of, no nothing really) . But it was quiet and tranquil which was the object of the holiday.

However our so- called 'relaxing holiday' was punctuated with a lust for adventure and soon enough me and the girl were out walking, wandering ,ambling ,rambling, sauntering, staggering and at one point I think I minced up a hill which I thought was refreshing and something the Ramblers Association should take on board.

We went on boats over lakes (Windermere, Ullswater), walked till our feet became stumps (Grizedale Forest, Wrynose Pass), toured the outlying towns (Coniston, Ambleside, Keswick, Barrow-In-Furness) and got pissed (Bowness-On-Windermere). By the end of it all we were, if you'll excuse the language, fucking roight knackered.

We sat on the shore of Lake Windermere this morning, knowing we had to leave it all behind soon enough. Both sad and heavy in heart we left leaving all those precious moments in our heads and on camera.

I've got to come back here. Its so lovely...

... Hey why don't you come with me? (just bring a sleeping bag and some Mints because your breath smells in the morning...Ok scrub that)

Christ, its just under 4 hours away, whats that?...

..About two episodes of Inspector Morse...

Ill Communication

2004-04-11T07:53:00.000+01:00

Ew.

I've been coughing up what can only be desrcibed as goo. Its yuck. My throat is sore, I've been coughing pretty much all night and drifting in and out of really thin and crap sleep (The type of sleep where you think your nodding off but your eyes are still open and you're still staring at the same bit of wall.) All in all I feel I need a new body because I believe this one is slowing dying of being a bit shit.

Anyway, I don't mean to bog you down with all my personal troubles, but I reckon this is all a result from the frivolity I had with Mr. Crumb over the later stages of last week.

We went and had a right royal laugh down in Cornwall complete with tent and video camera although the batteries packed up in the first ten minutes so well worth bringing that... A couple of night's drunken debauchery which resulted in myself placing a urinal disinfectant in my mouth like you would a mint imperial. (That's right, those little yellow luminous blocks of bleach that had already been pissed on, in- my- mouth..)

Good food, good drink, good surf, good weather and very friendly locals = All in all a lovely time, and will go again next year no doubt. But I'm just a little concerned with this whole 'being ill' deal. I don't want to feel ill each time the holidays come around. This has happened before, where my body has stored up all the crap especially for outside school hours and then let rip as soon as I've booked some time off to go somewhere.

I say "Stop it body, you're being unfair. Be ill during school so that I can have time off work and still really enjoy my holidays."

It doesn't help that I'm off AGAIN up to the lake district tomorrow with my girl for the week.

I mean, what can a boy do?...

(Apart from suck Harpic Bloo...)

Thank Christ!- Easter is almost here...

2004-04-06T08:30:00.000+01:00

Ho ho ho and a-merry- new April to those of you who may not have realised it. Things have been going swimmingly for myself in the last few days.

To begin with I had a lovely chinese meal on Friday with my family (and it was free which was a bonus level in my book), the weekend saw me and my girl going down to Bristol to meet Meester Crumb and Lady Crumb, as well as Mr. Boardie, Mr. Cavalier and other named people who shall remain nameless but who are no less important or relevant to proceedings.

The night out was a belated birthday going out and which consisted of a group of us doing the 100 metre sprint from pub to pub as it was absolutely very raining everywhere ALL night. Everyone got very wet and all the nice pubs that we wanted to try out were a bit too far away, without having the danger of drowning before we got to them.

But hey, a good night nonetheless.

Then on the Sunday I moved out 34% of my belongings from my pad in Bristol up to my Grandmas, as a kind of storage place/area. Grandma doesn't mind, and it would be cheaper than actually putting it all in storage. You see, as it stands I've got two homes at the moment. The home in Bristol and my folks home in Worcester. Its a bit of an uneasy feeling when you have stuff lying around in two houses- you feel as though your real home lies somewhere halfway down the M5. Tewkesbury perhaps.

This week (so far) has been easy for me- as a student teacher I should have been given the week off (The school is open both Monday and Tuesday), but decided to work the Monday because I felt bad (So did my other half). I saw the school Kareoke and took part in a Parents Evening which was very interesting. You spend all day with these kids and you never really think about where they actually came from, what their parents look like or what their whole home environment is like. I know you shouldn't judge books by their covers but in some instances you can see a direct link between the way a kid behaves and the way the parent presents him/herself.

Tonight will be concerned with seeing The Reduced Shakespeare Company in the Theatre Royal, Bath which should be a hoot.

Then after the latter part of this week Crumb and I are off travelling the South West armed with a tent and a video camera in search of an elusive answer to a life long question that has not yet been asked.

Yes, that's right, a video camera, a tent, two men.

...Whaaat??

(Don't worry, we've done it before and survived a 'Deliverance' style ordeal only with a card shark who nearly took all our money one hellish night....Note to self- Just remember to bring a crossbow and a guitar...)

Above: In between takes of seeing a man squeal like a pig, Burt Reynolds strikes a pose."I'm meeean as a muthfu**a!" he probably said, back in the '70s.

What a lovely week its been

2004-04-02T18:29:00.000+01:00

Its been a week of highs and lows all in all. I've been looking forward to today, but I've had a few excellent days this week too.

Most notably was my birthday and let me just say for the record, thank you everyone for wishing me on my birthday, I felt very honoured.

It was also nice when I went to school and some of the staff wished me happy birthday and my girlfriend got me a cake and we all had some.. Very nice.

I then told my class of year 10s (4th years for the old skoolers) that I was in a good mood today because it was my birthday. I got a few 'happy birthday sir's and then thought not much of it after that. About half way through the lesson a boy called me over to where he was sat and produced a card for me!! It had been produced using a card making program and ALL the class had signed it proving:

(A) there is still love in the world (And it made me go all soft inside and I went red and openly said ' I think I'm going to cry' which made them laugh, and

(b) what a shit teacher I am in terms of observing what the kids are doing behind my back!

The weekend ahead is my birthday celebrations proper (I know I'm flogging this till it bleeds but hey, I think I deserve this), having a slap up chinese meal with my fambly tonight and then drinks and chips with my ever loving sidekick Mr. Crumb at the weekend, to which later on next week, we will be sharing a tent together somewhere in the wastelands of Nowhere. Promises to be action packed let me tell you.

Until then I will have to work 2 days at the start of the week but both days, I'll get the kids to design Easter cards and let them surf the interweb. Schuperb.

...and finally...

2004-03-30T17:44:00.000+01:00

....But here's some good news!! (For 'Bad news' read below)

Its my birthday tomorrow! 27 years old!

I demand cakes, pressies, paper hats, bowls of skips, a video of 'Karate Kid 2', jelly, a goodies bag, cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, bucks fizz on the stereo and ghost stories before 6 0'clock in the evening.

Interviews 1 - Bonobo 0

2004-03-30T17:00:00.000+01:00

...Bonobo didn't quite make the grade this time around....

Above: Mr. B. Love, 2.00pm today (Artist's impression)

Aw shit, fuckles, sods, buggerts and flange.

I was really hoping to do well from this interview as well. I'd prepared my lesson, ironed my shirt and put the word out on the street that I was looking hot for a job, you know, dressed to impress and all that jazz.

I left this morning and immediately got caught in traffic in whichever direction I went in order to try and avoid the onslaught of even more traffic. I mean, how is it possible for traffic to grow? Its certainly not organic, let me tell you that now..

However, through the traffic, I made it on time (9.15am), feeling very hungry. I'd forced down a single piece of toast as I think I was feeling tense and nervous about the whole shebang. And I cleanly forgot about the banana and the orange penguin and the bottle of water I'd handily left on the kitchen sideboard. Looking back, if I'd have included them on my trip I reckon it would have swayed me getting the gig.

When I got to the school I met up with the other two candidates for the interview, a very friendly girl from Swansea and a guy who was on my PGCE course and who I knew very well, (lets call him 'Mike Hunt' for arguments sake) so as you can well imagine it was strange pitting myself against a friend to try a get the job.. A bit like backstage at "The Weakest Link", but this was entitled "Who'll be employed by the end of the day?"

At 10.15 I taught my sample lesson, which went swimmingly, I really enjoyed it. Then, I was given a tour around the school with some of the pupils. It was lovely, a real dream of a school, and I know thats sounds weird, but I really liked the look of it. Steeped in tradition but had a very modern sense about it, plus all the staff we bumped into welcomed us and wished us good luck.

Then came the interviews in the afternoon. With no lunch I pottered into the first interview room with the Head and the Head of ICT. I talked a bit about my history with ICT, how I'd approach teaching certain areas and where my strengths and weaknesses were. 20 minutes later I changed rooms to my second interview, a more general pastoral approach into how I would react in certain classroom situations.

'Beautiful' I thought. 'In the bag'. But take heed, never be so optimsitic to think you could win these competetions! I forgot the most important factor of always thinking you've lost before you've even won.

...Well, to cut a long story down a few sentences, I didn't get the job. Mike Hunt got it. He does know a lot more than me in terms of subject knowledge, I'm still a fledgling at this type of thing. The girl was gracious in not getting the job (I think), and I'm sure she'll find a job somewhere where they need her.

Nice school, but apparently I didn't come across well in the interview. A sore point for me because I thought I'd done OK, which means I'll have to sharpen my skills on that particuar, er, forte (?- as you can see, my sentence structuring skills haven't improved via blogging!)

I did appreciate the feedback telling me where I needed to improve my game and I needed the experience because this was, after all, my first interview to start my whole career.

Bonobo's words for the day:

These interviews are for the school to judge how well you are as a teacher, and for the would- be- teacher to judge if they really want to stay and invest a year of their lives at least into the school they are viewing.

Nerve wracking, but good experience....now bring on the next interview! I'll show 'em!

Oh shit,I'm in danger of being employed

2004-03-28T16:04:00.000+01:00

I've got an interview!!

I've got an interview at a school in Gloucester!!

Ok, I know the score on Gloucester. I've lived there before and know how it is, what its like to live there, how the people are, what there is to do blah deblahdee yada yada.. -

BUT, its the first interview that has been offered to me since I've been applying for teaching posts, so I'm well chuffed! Yippee! Could this spell an end to my worries and concerns on a whole spectrum of matters?? Time will tell, but I'm going to give it my all.

I've been asked to take a 30 minute lesson for a group of year 7's (11-12 yrs old for those of you still on the 1st year, 2nd year scales..) on Desktop Publishing. Should be good, I'm actually really looking forward to it. (Its on Tuesday btw!).. All suited and booted and ready to impress I am! (Oops sound like Yoda there).

And only the Fluff has graced me with an email on my newly set up email address. Being the first she wins a crate of champagne, a hamper of sandwiches (Caviar) and a weekend break in Abergavenny up a mountain. The next person to email me will win their own body weight in back issues of Womans Weekly and five cats.

*stands back waiting for the flood*

I think thats given you incentive enough to email me now...

I need a holiday..(2)

2004-03-27T23:27:00.000Z

Didn't go to Brecon in the end. Ended up in Abergavenny and then Hay- On- Wye and bought some Welsh bread. V. nice- mmm...

I need a holiday.. somehwere in the suuunn..

2004-03-27T09:57:00.000Z

True, I do need as a holiday, as does everyone else in this country. We work far too hard for the rewards we get. Our hours are too long, we have to put up with the daily grind and only get a handful of bank holidays in the year.

Me and my girl are off to the Brecon Beacons today for a spot of bird watching, climbing, fell running, panning for gold and shooting hill- billys. Its kind of a holiday in one day for me, so I'm going to take it.

I need excercise anyway, this week has been quite tough on Bonobo, he's not got out much and needs to remember what life is all about- knowwhaddamean?

See ya'll later (Complete with aching legs, knackered, bramble cuts, bee stings yada yada yada..) X

A post about AC/DC and my opinion of them and what I intend to do about this opinion

2004-03-24T20:11:00.000Z

I have to listen to more AC/DC.

I've just decided I think they're ace.

(Has anyone else suddenly had a revelation on a band or group thats been around for years but only realised until recently realised how much you appreciate them?)

Soft cursing

2004-03-23T19:52:00.000Z

Here you go:

"Oh flaming heck."

"Crikey."

"I'm.. really annoyed."

These and many other non- fuck related words are the kind of lexicon I have to adopt in the classroom nowaday. I had an instance today where I was desperately trying to find someone's file on the network. I searched and searched and search some more but I couldn't find it. And so in front of the whole class I said that I couldn't find the flipping work.

Many of the class softly parroted what I'd said under a blanket of Beavis and Butthead style laughs. I didn't mind them doing that, I would have found it funny too.

I just wish I could have let rip and burst my top with post-watershed style, red hot, too blue for kids profanities. It would be so satisfying to let out a big FUCK or TWAT..but I can't, and I didn't. As much as I want to, I can't do it. It shows I'm not professional at my job and that I can't use other alternative, more better words.

I think this is something that will come to not bother me as time goes on, its just a case of getting used to it. I'll soon not be so reliant upon swearing to show people how I feel which can only be a good thing, don't you think?

*twitch*

*tightens up mouth..*

"...'NADS!!!!"

(Ooh, thats better.. .. Swearing that is. Not 'nads.)

Clue: 4 legs, a head, lots of hair, likes mice. ..No, it's not another mouse.

2004-03-21T08:38:00.000Z

Take my cat for instance. No do, take her please! (Arf! Fnarr!)

At the house at the moment, its just me (Bonobo) and the cat (Buffy). She used to be my cat (She was called Spikey back then), but my mum wanted a little company with her during the day and I thought, instead of buying Gary Coleman for her to look after and dote upon , something even smaller and less hairy might be cat- so I gave her mine. Also the cat was the final part to a crap relationship that I needed to nail in its, erm, relationship coffin (?)

Buffy as she is now known (My Dad is responsible for the name change, as he is fond of that girl on TV that destroys the undead each week) has settled in well to he new pad. She goes out whenever she wants to, and that means a lot of garden to explore, a lot of birds to bother and other cats to sniff their arses- hang on, thats dogs. When she lived with me I couldn't let her out because she had a tendency to cross a very busy road. I once accidentally left the front door open which was a mistake. WHOOSH!- like a hairy bullet she was out of the house, across the road (thankfully no boy racers ripping up there at that moment) and into peoples gardens.

It took me half an hour to get her back, together with some dry cat food I managed to coax her out of someones front garden. The embrassing thing was, the people living inside could see what I was doing through their bay windows, so I had to keep shouting "Spikey! Spikey! Hey, come her you silly CAT!", and really try to emphasise the words 'cat' in order to prove I was there for a valid reason as opposed to just trying to peer in to their front room or piss through their letter box. Spikey (Buffy) ripped a hole in my favourite Super Furry Animals t-shirt, and I still haven't fully forgiven her for that, so I decided that was the last time to let her out.

However, now in the semi- country, she can roam whenever and wherever she likes. She now has a cat flap to come in and out when it suits her and she's spoilt for choice as to the number of sofas, beds or peoples laps she can sleep upon.

There is, however, one unique trait Buffy possesses which I haven't seen in any other cat to date. Buffy can talk to you. You can go up to her and say "Who's a clever cat?", "Do you want something to eat?" or "Blah blah blur bluh" and she will talk back to you. It usually sounds like Charlie the Cat, but Buffy will talk to anything.

I caught her the other morning sitting on a windowsill and talking to the birds outside. It must have ran along the lines of "Right, I'm gonna git ya, you just wait.. yeah you Mr. Bridy, I'm talkin' to you.. Grr", a bit like Muttley I thought. When she comes in through the cat flap she'll mutter a quick summary of the day. Christ knows what she's talking about, but she talks regardless. All you hear is "Mew mew mew mew mew mew mew mew". Its great. And sometimes she talks to walls, sometimes just when walking on through and sometimes in her sleep.

Which leads to me to this morning. As I'm the only human in the house, when she's hungry its me she wants (To provide food for, not to nibble on). So.. at around 5.30am she came a-mewling at my door. I've been awake since. I don't mind it. She acts as a nice little furry miaowing alarm clock. But it is certainly true what they say (whoever 'they' are) about cats owing the owner and not the other way round.

*miaow* (That was Buffy saying 'Hello')

On your own

2004-03-20T23:24:00.000Z

For the first time in a long old time, I have found myself on my own. Its Saturday night and I'm all by myself. All day the wind has been very strong outside and has nearly ripped the walls off the house. The cat flap has been flapping like a cat flap is prone to do in a storm and generally its been a day not to venture outside. The weather, it must be said has been very bad.

So, I've spent a lot of today doing some precious work that needed doing. Lesson preparation mostly. Tomorrow I'll be doing my application forms for some schools as well as a few other bits and bobs. But for the most part, all of today has been occupied with me, myself and I. My girlfriend left me.. No , only for the night. I said I would go with her but found if I didn't make a start on my work I'd NEVER start it. Tonight would have been a night out in Bath with some friends but as well as being stressed about work, I'm poor to boot. Not so much as a penny to rub against a pot to piss in. Nothing. And my parents have gone up to Liverpool to see my sister for the weekend, leaving me to get on and do ma own thang.

So what have I been up apart from work? I've just watched 'Panic Room' on Sky movies. I'd not seen it before... I didn't think it was up to David Fincher's usual standards but entertaining and quite suspenseful (Word validity check there...no, don't think it is a proper word..) Did some interweb research.. Made tea, drank tea, fed cat... Nothing really mind blowing.

Before that I played some more on my bass- and cranked up the volume seeing as there's no-one in the house!
"Oo that was satisfying" I thought as I strummed some nonsense tune (Just managed to play 'I was made to love her' by Stevie Wonder- I'm still learnin' here..) You can really make any bass guitar, with the right amplification, sound very good, it just sounds like a deep growl.

Spending the day by myself has made me think (I hate it when that happens..).

.... I definitely think there is a lot of truth in the way we define being on out own. Some of us can't hack the idea of not getting interaction with anyone, either via PC or in real life. Other people, well, they just know how to get on with it. Being on your own and being lonely are two different entities and it sure does depend on the kind of prson you are that reflects on how well you can cope with having time to yourself.

Gaimanagain

2004-03-19T23:44:00.000Z

Check out one of the December posts at Pencil's site and you'll read an e-mail I sent to him concerning Neil Gaiman. Mr. Gaiman is a fantasy/ horror/ comedy writer of the highest praise and I have nothing but, er, praise for him.

(Fuck! Words, er, fail me at this point and stuff.)

Issues of copyright aside, I feel the need to repeat his work. Its ok, I bought his book so my pound of flesh has been taken already (Actually it was £6.99 but lets not get into that one..) This here sweet gem of his is entitled The Sweeper Of Dreams...

Sweeper Of Dreams

After all the dreaming is over, after you wake, and leave the world of madness and glory for the mundane day- lit daily grind, through the wreckage of your abandoned fancies walks the sweeper of dreams.

Who knows what he was when he was alive. He certainly will not answer your questions. The sweeper talks little, in his gruff grey voice, and when he does speak it is mostly about the weather and the prospects, victories and defeats of certain sports teams. He despises everyone who is not him.

Just as you wake he comes to you, and he sweeps up kingdoms and castles, and angels and owls, mountains and oceans. He sweeps up the lust and the love and the lovers, the sages who are not butterflies, the flowers of meat, the running of the deer and the sinking of the Lusitania. He sweeps up everything you left behind in your dreams, the life you wore, the eyes through which you gazed, the examination paper you were never able to find. One by one he sweeps them away: the sharp- toothed old woman who sank her teeth into your face; the nuns in the woods; the dead arm that broke through the tepid water of the bath; the scarlet worms that crawled in your chest when you opened your shirt.

He will sweep it up - everything you left behind when you awoke. And then he will burn it, to leave the stage fresh for your dreams tomorrow.

Treat him well, if you see him. Be polite with him. Ask him no questions. Applaud his teams' victories, commiserate with him over their losses, agree with him about the weather. Give him the respect he feels is his due.

For there are people he no longer visits, the sweeper of dreams, with his hand- rolled cigarettes and his dragon tattoo.

You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. Some of them walk the cities in ragged clothes, their belongings under their arms. Others of their number are locked in the dark, in places where they can no longer harm themselves or others. They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. It is worse than madness. They will tell you, if you let them: they are the ones who live each day, in the wreckage of their dreams.

And if the sweeper of dreams leaves you, he will never come back.

Counter Productive

2004-03-18T18:54:00.000Z

I have just now installed my counter (thank fug!). Now, you know as well as I do that you've visited this site more times than it actually shows. I could have even set the counter at a number I thought would be appropriate considering:

(a) the time this blog has been in existence

(b) the number of great friends I have who regularly visit this site

But I haven't, Ive been good and decided to start from the start. So with that in mind I put it down to '0'.

Now its up to you.

Yes, YOU.

(And some friends I've paid quite handsomely to visit the site every minute of the day to make it look like its really popular...)

And another good thing for tonight is that I don't need to plan any lessons for tomorrows stint in school as I'd planned everything last Friday, but didn't go in owing to the snow! Aaah...

..But no rest for the wicked, I'll be filling out job application forms left, right and bloody centre... Faaaahhck...

Unheard pleasures

2004-03-17T21:03:00.000Z

Why oh why oh god- damn why haven't I been sampling the sheer heavenly delights of Herb Alpert sooner?

I feel pissed that I haven't heard more of his stuff sooner!

I was in the kitchen yesterday singing a tune which I love, but never knew who actually composed it/ played it etc. Then my dear mum came in the kitchen and said what the title was. Only the 'Spanish Flea' by Herb Alpert!

Wow! I immediately downloaded it off the interweb and have listened to it non- stop (In between teaching though). Its just so funky that it lead to get more of his tunes and each one is a winner. Each song does almost sound exactly the same as the previous one, but try to ignore that and just listen to that lovely brass section kick in on top of some downright comfortable percussion. Each song just makes you want to run to a beach somewhere and drink cocktails in the sun whilst reading an Ian Fleming novel (Probably James Bond if anything).

Herb Alpert is a classic tunesmith I think, and I may have to deck anyone who says he isn't.

Above: A tunesmith, yesterday.

GCSE Gaffs (1)

2004-03-16T21:02:00.000Z

Every Monday, when I don't arrive for the staff meetings at around 8.20 in, unsurprisingly, the staff room, I totally miss the handing out of the weeks newsletter which is published solely for the benfit of the staff.

However, this Monday I was told half way through the day, in no uncertain terms by a fellow member of staff to 'stop being a twat' and read one of the newsletters (Please- I make poetic license for the 'twat' comment, no such real comment was made- teachers are never rude to each other, they just put each other in detention).

Following this bead of golden advice I do go and did pick up a newsletter from the staffroom. I browsed through all the pupils who had been declared on the weeks report, those who had been put into the 'special unit', and those who were evil beyond reasoning, with behaviour which is darker than satans worst nightmares. Also in this newsltter I found some genuinely funny and good material which *ahem* if I may share with yaw all.

The subject is of real answers to various GCSE exam questions. (I feel like Dennis Nordern about to introduce some blooper clips starting with some American News Anchorman say the word 'fart' instead of 'election'). Anyway, just take a look at the following and see what you think....

(1) Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife dies and he wrote Paradise Regained.

(2) During the Renaissance, America begun. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

(3) Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrims progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for this.

(4) Soon the constitution of the United States was adopted to secure hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoy the right to keep bare arms.

Tee hee.

A week in teaching: Pros and Cons

2004-03-13T09:24:00.000Z

Just had a great week at school. The kids were fine, no dodgy lessons although I did have to make some kids move their places around in a few lessons because they were being so lippy to me. Other than that its all been peas and gravy baby.

But.. one little thing... I want to let everyone know I can't wait till September, just can't wait. Know why? Come September I'll be doing all the work that a teacher does AND get paid as well.

Yeah, thats right. Its just about starting to rub, the fact that I'm experiencing all of these 'on the job' skills which involves pretty much everything a teacher would have to do yet not getting any wonga for it.

Gaining valuable teaching experience each week, yet getting impatient and poorer by the day. But I know this will all be worth it.

Another week away.. I do still care for you all...

2004-03-09T13:59:00.000Z

Hey guys, hows about leaving a blog site for, say, an eternity. Then, when you fee like it, update it from time to time?.. Sound good?

NO_ SOUNDS RUBBISH!! I'm so sorry I've been so lax of late... The problem is I'm busy preparing lessons, taking lessons, evaluating lessons and drinking mugloads of Gold Blend in order to create delicious teacher- coffee- breath for the kids! Don't you understand!!???!! I'm an embryo teacher! I'm a nubbin of a 'sir'. Before long I'll be bellowing "Tuck that shirt in Wilkins!" down the corridors and kicking bins over and asking year 7 kids to pick up the litter..

But until then I need to work at my trade and this means neglecting the ol' blog site from time to time..

But anyway, things are going good up here in Hereford, locked away from all that is 'urban' and 'daddy cool', I'm left in the countryside wastes full of cider farms, flat badgers on roads and tractors every 5 miles. Its a different way of life, the pace is HELL of a lot slower believe me. The kids at the school are of the same persuasion, chilled and relaxed so its up to me and a few other dedicated teachers to give them an academic boost! (I wonder what kind of Boost that would taste like Mr. Crumb?)

Just taught two year 7 classes this morning, they both went well- covering spreadsheets and information handling. The spreadsheet lesson was based on a simple disco model, getting the kids to put themselves in charge of running a disco and asking them to add up all the ticket prices, the costs like how much the DJ would charge whereas-

Sorry, I think I've lost you already.... I'll leave this stuff for the kids.

Just got broadband installed at home so now theres no excuse not to talk pap every single day!.. Right, the bell is about to go again...

A week away (I'm sorry for being shit)

2004-02-29T20:50:00.000Z

Ok, its been.. one week since I blogged at you.. but I'm back. The reason I've not said or noted anything down is because I've been busy getting into my second teaching placement up in Hereford.

Its all go now and I'm busy planning lessons to take next week (Week beginning 1st March). The school is great, the kids are.. well, as kids are anyway. The staff are really supportive and its didn't snow all that much up here the other day, not like some poor sods in the South West who got caught in a blizzard.

Just had a chilled weekend seeing friends and family and now I'm getting ready to go back to it tomorrow.

Haven't had a chance to check out any other blogs at the moment- does that make me a bad person? I hope not, I do like reading them and will try my best to leave some comments here, there and everywhere.

I'll blog again but not sure when as I'm a busy bee now... (Having said that I've got time to do this so.. Ah.) Haven't seen Tony Robinson again which is a shame. And in relation to the last comment, Harriet: I haven't heard of Fat Tulip, what is it???..

Dazed and confused for now, need sleep to prepare for the days ahead. Keep warm everyone, its bloody bitter out there. x.

Guess who I saw in the pub the other day...?

2004-02-18T19:17:00.000Z

Yesterday I went for a meal with my girl in a pub just outside Bath. It was a very old country pub, large interior, warm and cosy surroundings complete with good food and real ale.

As we approached the front door to the pub I saw someone who I thought I recognised. On closer inspection, once we'd entered the pub I knew exactly who it was. We had never met, yet I've seenb him for the past 20 -odd years. It was comic- historian elf man Tony Robinson, he was having a roast dinner and a glass of coke. He and his crew (Not the time team crew) had decided to do a spot of afternoon's filming in this particualr pub and filmed a piece on the eccentricities of the victorians. The piece Tony (First name terms now don't you know) told the camera was the interesting fact that Victorians used to employ hermits to go and live on their estates. Rather like an ornamental water fountain or a neatly kept lawn, a hermit living in a grotto at the bottom of the garden was seen as just another spectacle to be wondered by the many guests and visitors to the grounds.

No self- righteous Victorian would have been seen dead in those days without a hermit.

DO NOT READ ON IF YOU ARE OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION, HAVE HEART PROBLEMS, ARE HEAVILY PREGNANT OR CANNOT READ.

2004-02-16T14:08:00.000Z

I'm busy doing my frickin' college work at the mo', so I thought I do the obvious thing and pass off a blog with some old bullshit of mine...

I have a story to share with you constant reader. I did wrote it when I was a fresh faced nub of a lad of 16. For my english language A level, I was asked to write a story of my own. The genre, length and form was completely down to my own choice.

I was (and still am) into the works of a Mr. Stephen King and I thought to meself, 'Hey, why not write a horror story, yeah?'

I thought about what to base it on. The problem with reading books is that you get bogged down with thinking from inside and can only see what you've already seen for a large part of the time. It IS difficult in this day and age to be original. And I'm not saying that what I finally wrote was in any way original.

One day, whilst travelling to college on the bus it came to me. A horror story set in a school. Now, since I did write this, there have been many stories, of the horror genre set in school and there were stories of this nature before I'd written this. 'The Faculty' is one... 'Scream 2' is based in a university... Um.. .. well, I'm sure there are a few more out there.

I just wanted to write the story from the perspective of when a teacher would be thinking of the pupils 'Ooh, if I could only throttle them..' What if they could really do that? ..

I added a bit of 'The Shining' and brewed it up with a dash of 'Saved By the bell'. Now, I was only 16 so do bear with me. If you can take 5 minutes or so, then do so. If not, come back when you have the time.

Right, cup of tea at the ready? Then We'll begin...

The Cheshire Cat.

It was 11:00 exactly. Dan Lewis was late for his English lecture. He was still on the bus. He looked down at his wrist-watch.
11:02, 52 seconds.
"I'm late, very late." Dan thought of himself as the white rabbit in "Alice in Wonderland". The bus was one stop away. The old lady was taking her time paying. Dan noticed a large bus queue behind her. All elderly people.
"Sod this." he whispered and got out of his seat. He then scrambled through a forest of legs poking out from either side, nudged past two old ladies, and leapt out of the bus doors. He landed hard, but managed to pick himself up. Then he sprinted towards the college.
11:05
"Damn it." Dan raced up the concrete steps, through the auto- matic doors (which never seemed to open quick enough) and through reception. Dan failed to notice the empty office behind the reception's glass window. Up the two flights of steps, tripping once and banging his shin harshly.
11:07
Dan was amazed as once again, time sped up when you needed to get somewhere fast, but completely opposite when you had nothing to do.
Through the two wooden doors, and down the bleak white corridors. Dan's trainers squeaked insanely against the plastic floor.
11:10
Then, down the thin corridor and a sharp turn left. Dan slowed down. Approaching destination. Extinguish all lights. Fasten seat belts. Dan was at a walking pace, and - noticed that, oddly enough there were no murmurs from other classes. Just, silence. That awful silence seemed so unnatural. Dan reached for the door. It read:

English A3

Dan breathed in sharply. The door knob turned and Dan opened the door. He then entered.
The room was an ordinary square shape, but as you came in, three quarters of the room was blanked out by a wooden chipboard. On the reverse side of this was the black-board. This meant you couldn't see the class, only the lecturer's desk.
"Sorry I'm late-." Dan lost the rest of his excuse under his breath.
Silence. Still that god awful silence. It was just too quiet. Dan noticed as he explained a thick, almost salty odour was around the room. Even the room itself was quite gloomy, even though the blinds were open. Dan walked around the chipboard and failed to notice the carnage around him. His mind had completely shut off as he walked towards his desk. As he numbly sat down, his feet splashed in a thick, treacle-like substance.
From in front he saw Peter McEwan's severed arm resting on the desk. Peter himself was unrecognisable, sprawled underneath the desk like a mis-used doll. Dan suddenly switched on again, recognising what was going on around him.

"getoutgetoutGETOUT!!"
Everyone was dead.(Or on their way to being)
Monica Simmons, throat gorged away, staring intensely at the blackboard. David Sommers, jaw yanked out of place with ears missing. Scott Andrews, head shaved to the skull, blood everywhere.
Angelica Edwards and Helen Nichols, crushed together via their skulls, probably by lying them both down head to head and smashing a heavy object down between them.
"-get out-"
"Pugs" Smith, disembowelled with a mouth overflowing with large wedges of chalk. Dan, still numb and confused from what was going on around him, failed to notice Mrs.Frost get up from her desk. Her face wasn't as it usually was. She normally had a warm, friendly face and she always had a trace of her smile around her lips. But not today. It was somehow darker in complexion, and she was a lot thinner. Usually, she was a stocky-nearly-plump type of person, but something had happened which made her look like she hadn't had a meal in days. Her gaunt body past through the rows of dripping desks.
Mrs. Frost was five metres away, with a sledge-hammer in both hands. Dan saw through her sweaty, long dark hair which clung in sickly thick clumps to her forehead, that she was grinning. It was an inhuman smile. Then she opened her mouth and croaked a few words that Dan couldn't make out.
Dan's feet slipped slightly as he leapt out of his chair. Mrs. Frost followed him eagerly. Dan ran behind the chipboard and out the door, but could hear the deep breathing and shallow click of heels from Mrs. Frost, now gaining.
Dan's mind was full of confusion, questions flooding backwards and forwards through his mind as he shot into the corridor, deciding which way to escape.
Mrs. Frost appeared out of the dark classroom and immediately swung the hammer down in undescribable speed. The adrenalin pump in Dan's body was far to slow for him to react, only what seemed like pure luck made Dan dart to the left. Mrs.Frost's axe dug deeply into the wall of A4. Then Dan got up. He hastily turned around at Mrs.Frost trying to retrieve the axe.
"WON'T-COME-OUT!" she yelled, echoing through the long college corridors.
Dan was away again. His heart a step ahead of him. He ran down the corridor noticing Mrs. Frost's giggles of joy as she finally wrenched the axe out.
Dan ran past a fire alarm, but managed to smash it. The awful klaxon sound slowly started up. Then, Dan raced down one flight of steps, then another. As he reached the bottom, he looked upwards. The double doors smashed open, the axe forcing its way through the hinges. Glass flew in all directions.
Still, Dan managed to look upwards even though shards of glass were narrowly missing him. Mrs. Frost poked her head out of the smashed door. Then the rest of her body slid through the narrow gap. Her body scraped against the jagged frame. Dan noticed huge chunks of her ample frame was being horrifically gorged away as she squeezed through. It seemed as if she was
oblivious to the pain. Dan screamed, only for looking at her suffering. It was a nightmarish sight.
She was grinning again. It was a sad, pathetic grin of pain and confusion mixed into one. It was almost like the Cheshire cat grin, a crafty sinister smile.

Mrs. Frost was laughing through her grin.
Immediately Dan sped off. Through D-block, another door, down a small flight of upholstered steps and -
Dan noticed Mr. Harris at the bottom of the corridor. Mr. Harris was holding up the severed head of Elaine McDonald, a first year student, whom Dan had met. Dan's heart stopped, as Mr. Harris dropped the head, which hit the floor with a soft thud. Then Mr. Harris advanced towards him on all fours. Joseph Harris, the Applied Maths lecturer was crawling towards Daniel Edward Lewis.
But Dan had completely forgotten about Mrs. Frost, and Miss. Edgar, Mr. Kaiser, Mr. Dickinson, Mrs. Bolan, Mr. Short, infact nearly all of the colleges main staff. They were all gaining behind Dan.
Suddenly Dan clicked to his senses again, and avoided the now sub-human Mr. Harris by running - into the portly frame of Mrs. Parker. Mrs. Parker was the head college cook. He bumped into her and immediately slumped back down to the floor. He looked up at Mrs. Parker and in the back of his mind he could only hear Mr. Harris's grunting drowned by the dull, droning fire-alarm.
Mrs. Parker produced a large kitchen knife, like the one Norman Bates used so many times before in "Psycho". Dan swept to one side, knowing Mrs. Parker was too slow to react. As Dan went past her into the science block, he heard her groan loudly as she struck the oncoming Mr. Harris through the neck.
Once in the science block, Dan knew what to do. He stepped into Sci - 2. More bodies. More carnage. Some pupils had tried to escape, their hands stretched towards the door. Dan blocked it all out, and ran to the gas taps. He hastily turned them all on. Outside the room, Dan heard the ghastly moans from the lecturers. They were coming.
After a few precious seconds, Dan reached into his pocket. Out came a packet of cigarettes. Dan cursed under his breath and dropped the box. He delved in again and this time retrieved a brass zippo lighter. Flicking the zippo to life he threw it into the room. It skimmed across the laboratory tables.
Dan had already ran out of the room.
The lecturers were now barely 5 feet away from Dan. They were facing Dan. Their numbers had grown somehow. The caretaker, Mr Ashmore, the secretary Miss Pickles and, STUDENTS! Crowds of students behind the caretakers, all in a daze. They were staring directly at Dan.
Quicker than lightning he pushed himself through the corridor, nearing the fire-exit. As Dan neared the door he had only one thought,
"Had it worked?"
The crowd of lecturers were just outside Sci - 2, when the college went up. The explosion deafened him as he burst through the double doors. The blast propelled Dan across a patch of grass and he landed harshly into one of the many open rubbish bins. He then fell into a deep coma from which he would never awake.

After these years it is still only a rough draft, but the underlying idea is still there. I hope you liked it, whether because it was good, so bad it was good, so bad it really was just bad or just plain stupid. Either way I'm proud of it, reading through it is embrassing and cringe inducing but it's a part of my checkered past.

...Or maybe it's the reason I got an 'E' for my A-Levels. Hmmm..

Come on, work damn you!

2004-02-14T17:36:00.000Z

God sake.

Today I've been trying so damned hard to get on with my database project set by the college to be completed for the end of next week. It usually takes an A level student about 3 months to complete, but being ever the optimist I'm doing it in a couple of days.

That's right. I've left it to the last minute, again. But never mind, this weekend is for work!

However I DID go out last night, had an immensely lovely time. Some tequilas later and we were all very talkative. But to cut a short story shorter, today has been quite non- productive so far. Feeling slightly jaded from the previous night's activities my motivation has decreased to now having barely enough will to breathe and blink and pump blood around myself. Everything can just wait.

But I have now made a start. Its all there, laid out in my head and I know what to do. I just need to keep at it. It will be ok believe me. However, before I actually started work, I did sit down at my computer for 2 hours and subsequently got distracted. Heres the list of distractions I've had so far today.

(1) I cooked rice in the microwave and watched it get cooked.

(2) I played Jedi Starfighter on the PS2, and was pretty good at it.

(3) I put 'Pet Sounds' on, and didn't do any work in the time it took to play the entire album, which included extra studio snippets at the end of it.

(4) TV, but not for long- I only watched it for very short periods, channel skipping because on a Saturday afternoon there's very little on.

(5) I sent some e-mails.

(6) I read a motoring atlas.

(7) I played a bit of guitar and bass guitar.

You see, I need all of these things to be removed from my line of sight- no even better, put them in a room where I can't get at them. Lock it, throw away the soddin' key. I can't cope with distraction. Its so tempting. I reckon I need a distraction from being distracted the whole time.

Ah, work, that'd be it. I'm now going to do some, just watch me.

And as you've noticed theres one other distraction, and you've just read it.

Trilogy Insania

2004-02-12T09:27:00.000Z

It would appear that Lucasfilm have announced that Star Wars: Episode 4, 5 and 6 will be released in the US and Canada on DVD from September 21st and here in the UK sometime soon after that. Great stuff.

What's not so great is the fact that George Lucas does not have any plans to release the actual original versions of the film, and instead only use the special edition films he released in 1996-7. Ok George, your pissing even more fans off now..

You see, it all started with the special editions. In the new films new sections were added which enhanced the characters personalities and attitudes, for instance in A NEW HOPE the part where Greedo attempts to shoot Han Solo first but misses implies to us that Han Solo isn't as wily or as cunning as he made himself out to be in the original films. The addition of a crap looking Jabba the Hutt into A NEW HOPE also adds insult to injury.

A lot of the special effects added later DID look good and in my humble onion helped the story a lot better. For a large section of geeks (pot)- I mean fans out there however, this revising of all the films has led to disappointment and resentment. I liked the original, I grew up on the original- anything else is... well, its pretty, it looks polished and lets face it, it has a cleaner, more refined edge to it, but its not how we remember it when we were knee- high to the sofa.

Then the prequels were made. Now if Lucas had statrted to tip the star destroyer by releasing the special editions, he'd be letting the shit hit the fanbase with these. The feelings amongst many forums on the net voice the same kind of gripes.

Jar-Jar Binks. Crap plot. Cheesy feel. Over produced. Many of these factors and more have gotten fans all het up over the new films. That they don't quite fit in with the overall feel of the original films, and.. it makes you wonder if the 'original feel' of the original 3 films is something Lucas is trying to shy away from.

Personally is Lucas farted and put it in a can I'd buy it, I'm that shallow. And I don't mind the prequels at all. And I think the special editions are equally cursed and blessed. And I'll lap it up like a consumerist zombie that I am.

But I DO have a theory on why the DVDs are being released in September this year...

Because the following year Star Wars: Episode 3 will come out onto the silver screen.. soon enough it will be released onto DVD later in that year making the way for the final glorious Hexology (?) Star Wars DVD will be released just in time for xmas 2005. I do think that the September release is just a ploy to go out and line Lucasfilm's pockets again.

It happened with myself and Lord of the Rings, when I bought Fellowship of the Ring as soon as it was out on DVD only to learn a bigger and better version was coming out later in the year! Los bastardos! So, I'm patiently waiting for the big final boxed set on that too. Bloody hobbits...

If you wish to sign a petition for getting the ORIGINAL star wars trilogy released, visit Original trilogy.com where you can help play a small jedi mind trick into hopefully getting Mr. Lucas and associates to change their minds...

George Lucas: cinematic visionary or money grabbing git?

He moves in mysterious ways...

2004-02-11T16:14:00.000Z

My old suit was starting to smell, and the odd stain here and there from a few nights of being on the razz meant it was time to give it a good clean. Plus a few other jackets previously ignored in the warddrobe = A trip to the dry cleaners.

Today I drove to a quaint distrcit of Bristol called Knowle, or "Satan's Fiery Pit of Desolation for All Those Poor Souls Eternal Dam-Ned". Yeah, its not really that nice, but the little shopping district just away from the centre of Knowle is bearable, the place I was heading to.

The centre of Knowle comprises of a police station, put there I suppose as a sort of a laugh really, because the amount of scallies and pervs up there is not balancing with the threat of police presence in any way. They may well have just built a toyshop or a Fishmongers for the amount of help it would do. Not having a go at the cops up there but - sorry, wrong meeting, I'll get back2dapoint.

I went into the Dry Cleaners (Twas Johnsons) and was greeted by a friendly swarthy man dressed very neatly. Short cropped black hair and quite tall, he asked me what I wanted. Well.. my hands were full of clothes, and I was in a dry cleaners, but not being sarcastic, I told him anyway. He sounded scottish at first, but on later inspection I found him to sound Mediterranean, French, Arabian? It was an accent I couldn't place for the life of me. But he was so friendly and even offered me a chance to joins the Johnsons Discount Scheme. This meant signing up to get reductions on future dry cleaning. What the hill I thought, I'll probably be wearing suits all the friggin' time soon, even to bed, so what the hey ha?

I paid the man, and as he was filling out some forms I looked at his name badge and realised instantly why the guy had (a) A foreign accent I couldn't place, (B) Was really friendly and christian-like.

The badge simply read:

JESUS.

...Oh yeah, (C) Rise from the dead.

Witchfinder general nonsense

2004-02-08T20:02:00.000Z

Below are a few excerpts from the book "Strange Beliefs, Customs & Superstitions of New England". This book underlines the weird and wonderful ways the Puritans who settled in New England in the 17th century formed their own set of beliefs and morals on life. Many of these rules were related to witches, so you may probably be able to understand how close to reality many puritans were at the time. (Well, there wasn't any television for starters)

Here are a few gems of advice concerning telling the weather. Remember this was in the days of old where not an awful lot was understood about the world. (Could be argued we're still in the same position even now... but thats another story..)

Forget Ian McKaskill, lets have some random 17th moronic goobledegook:

* The Crescent Moon *

When both ends of the crescent moon are pointing away from the earth, you will have 30 days of good luck if you spit on the ground 3 times, and then rub the spit into the dirt with the sole of your right shoe.

* The new moon seen through a window *

If you see the new moon for the first time through a window pane, you will have 30 days bad luck.

* Spring Weekend Forecast *

If it rains on Easter Sunday, it is sure to rain on the next seven sundays....

.. The moral of the above statements is a simple one. People in the past were small- minded dwads and could make anything up to put the fear of god into everyone else. And those god fearing people would believe a lot and ask no questions in return. So, please don't believe everything that you read. Hey, for all you know, I could be making this up.. (I'm not)

(By the way, I had a wonderful weekend, the events of which I'm sure will be posted by Crumb and Pencil but I'll let them tell the tale if they want to. Suffice to say its always a pleasure, never a chore to meet up with you guys and we must do it again soon * SNIFF * ...)

Listen to the band

2004-02-06T12:50:00.000Z

I've spent the last few days over in Bath staying at my girlfriends house. Myself and various members of my course, all went out for a night on the razzle. It was one of those really well- rounded nights which leaves you waking up in the morning thinking;

"Aw, was that it?"

We began the night in a pub called 'The Bell', which usually hosts free music on a Wednesday night with a guest band playing. And, fuck me, if there isn't a guest band playing free music on a Wednesday night called 'Drop the Box'. They were very good, very folky but maintained a mainstream whimsical pop- edge to them. They also came from the Orkney islands, so fair play to them for coming to Bath. Go forth and get a record deal I say, you were brilliant.

After each song, I was clapping very loud, in a fashion handed down to me by my friend Pencil, who taught me the ways of the Offensive and Rude clap i.e. one which sounds like a loud crack next to your hear, not a warm, inviting golfer's clap or a tiny clippy infant clap but a big mother of a clap, a thunderclap if you will.

Anyway, it was this clap I used to outclap all the other clappers on my table. They all had good clap, but I won through in the end.

I'm talking about clapping a lot in this pub owing to some organic cider being quaffed time and again, which has burnt out some precious conversations and jokes I'm sure. Someboady on the table probably told me the correct answer to the square root of mnius 1, but I really couldn't tell you now

But after the pub closed we moved on (Some members had to leave for one reason or another) to the club of O'Neils. Again, hazy memories run amok here, although I do remember dancing and talking to a giant.

And I woke up at 10.30 the next morning, remembering a vague sense of coming home, making tea and watching a programme on snowboarding for a good half hour. My hair had shaped itself into another lovely style that would probably fit in with the styling of hair in the film 'Bladerunner' or a member of the 80's synth group 'A Flock of Seagulls'. And I woke with a smile on the inside.

I do so love the act of inebriation particularly when the moment is just right.

How silly of me

2004-02-03T16:54:00.000Z

Last night, I did something that I haven't done in a good 4 years. It was fucking stupid of me when I thought about it afterwards and I totally regret doing it now. If I could turn back time to around 10 o'clock I would yell to myself and go:

"Don't do it! You don't understand what you're doing!"- only I did understand. I knew full well what the implications would be once I did it. The problem was, it had been so long since I'd last had it, I'd forgotten the consequences of its eventual actions. Consequences that I've had to live with ALL day...

I took 6 pro- plus pills at 10 o'clock in the evening, with the feeble intention of helping me finish off some application forms to schools. The only thing was I finished my work 5 mniutes later and went to bed soon after.

Until 1 o'clock my body was asleep, but I lay down with my eyes darting in different directions like I was a spectator at a high speed tennis match. My head was buzzing like a fuckin' alarm, and I'm sure I had a little grin on my face, smiling at how fast my eyes could move, smiling at how my eyes were the ONLY thing moving from my body and smiling at how annoyed I was at this silly situation.

Results: Tired and beaten all day. I recommend it!

Primary Experience Day

2004-02-02T19:02:00.000Z

As part of my course, I had to visit a primary school for the day. Afterwards, I would base my experience on a short essay. This would then give me an insight into how kids make the transition from the middle to the secondary years.

I'd not been in a primary school since I was of primary age so it really took me back to see these tiny kids that at times reminded me of the little podling creatures featured in Jim Henson's "The Dark Crystal". They were all hyperactive, chatty but at the same time, eager to owkr and in a way polite, or at least a lot more forgiving than most of the secondary school pupils I have encountered. I'm not tarring all secondary students with the same blame- brush but its seemed as if I got a lot more positive response from these small sapling people.

The classroom walls were decked with various poster projects which depicted elements of history, mathematics, english, geography and art, along with a board full of stars which pupils could add their own star alongside their name if they had been good or sat still for a minute. The ceiling had paintings hanging from strings that webbed out from a central spoke in the room. It all looked very cosy and just right for a good teaching environment.

The staff were really welcoming and I really did enjoy myself. I looked back on today, and, walking home I got thinking as to whether I'd really made the right choice in choosing the Secondary route as opposed to the Primary route...

Nah, I'm being silly. Besides, primary kids can't answer you back- where's the fun in THAT?

Badd speeling

2004-02-01T14:24:00.000Z

I don't want to be known for the blogger who doesn't check his work once its been entered onto the system but I've read through a few blogs of mine and realised, really how bad my spelling is. I simply have overlooked basic spelling errors throughout.

I apologise and will endeavour to phrase, structure and correct arrange my letters into words in the near phewcher.

Redundant Time

2004-01-31T23:53:00.000Z

"Time Waits for (Gary) Numan" as the proverb goes...

I've been thinking long and hard about sections in your life where you seem to just lose amounts of time through little fault of your own. Ok, to illustrate, I've made a quick top 5.

Top 5 pieces of 'lost time'.

(1) On the toilet.- Ok, it's a classic time waster. You could have spent it in a more productive fashion but instead, well, sitting and shitting seem to go together don't they?

(2) In a car whilst someone fills up with petrol- You wait for them to leave the car, they leave, fill up the car with whatever fuel and then, before going into pay for it, come back to the car and ask you if you want anything.

"Hurry up" is what you should say.

(3) Automated phone lines- You can grow beards, plan weddings and build steamer ships in the time it takes to press Option 3- option 7, press * etc and then wait an eternity for a human being to speak to you.

(4) Clothes shops- Waiting for your other half to go into their desired shop, find the right type of garb they want, then pick 3 more clothes similar to it and try it on. What do you do in the meantime? If only you'd planned ahead (And I'm not pointing the finger at anyone here, we have all done it from time to time. Come on.)

(5) Microwaves- You unpeel the cardboard wrapper, pierce the holes with a fork (But lets face it, you usually only have a set of keys to hand. They'll do.) and then blast the living twat out of it for 3 minutes. But already the microwave has dictated the amount of time to be stolen from your own personal timeline. The same can be said for grilling toast and (god help us), pot noodles.

(Optional 6- This list. I'm sorry.)

Snow fun being a teacher...

2004-01-31T17:15:00.000Z

Well, I said I was going away, and I did. On Wednesday I travelled with my significant other (Jules- yes I'm sure you know her) to Worcester. The weather was fine, cold but ok. The evening had obviously got dark a lot quicker because that's what happens around this time of year.

We were on the M5, just below M5 with Jules driving, when I looked up at the left hand section of the twilight sky. Now, this was like something out of a disaster movie. The sky became EVEN DARKER. You know when you see squids squirt ink underwater? Well, that was how the sky looked like, as if the whole atmosphere was dissolving into blackness. It was very scary and I said to Jules to take a look at this phenomena. She did, and she gave the same kind of response I did (Along the lines of "Shit."). Then, straightaway, it began pelting it down with snow. And within seconds the whole motorway had ground to a crawl and it added an extra hour and thirty to a journey that should only take 50 odd minutes.

Jesus Christ I thought, once we got to my folks in Worcester, thank the lord we're safe. And we both got a lovely welcome by my parents, my Aunt Nicky who's in from New York for a few weeks and my other Aunt and Uncle with their new baby boy Adam (See previous entry on "Babies") Good food, good company and I got Adam to smile at me. It was lovely. Got a bit drunk too, which is always good when preparing to visit a school the next day. I'd never been to thius school before, indeed, I'd never journeyed into Hereford. where this academic institution is located, so, it was important to make an early start the next morning, to get there at 8.30am.

At 9 in the morning I got up and decided we'd blame the weather, which is a fair excuse, because it was pretty harsh. All the roads nearby were plastered in ice and we didn't set off until around 10. And even then we had to find our way to the feckin' school.

Once there (11am, and after many convoluted apologies), we were shown around the whole campus and do you know what? I think I'm really going to enjoy it there. Good vibes about the whole thing. The staff were great, the pupils were top. As it had been snowing all pupils were taking part in snowballing which I was sorely tempted to take part in, but resisted to carry on my tour of the school. Each student was very politeto us, even the feisty talkative kids apologised after staff told them to shutdafacap. Cool.
Good facilities, a great music department, the best school meals you've ever seen (and tasted) and a scenic backdrop of Welsh hills. Ah, clean air... I can see myself having a great time there, plus I'll be staying at my folks which will be just lovely.

At the same time as sorting out this placement, I'm applying for a full time teaching post,... somewhere.... This is a very unsure time at this..time because who knows where I'll be next year. I may have to move... it depends where I want to be geographically, where Jules wants to be and where we can both get a decent job (All teaching jobs are decent...). I'd like to think I could stay in the South West after all its the home of cider, in breeding and Dave Prowse. But I don't mind the North West either having practically grown up there. Decisions, decisions. I suppose I should just wait until the RIGHT thing happens at the RIGHT time. And moving to and teaching in or around London?- fawgit it!

I'm not going to Norwich though. I'm sorry but I'm not. You can drag me there, kicking and screaming and I'll fight tooth and nail to get the hell out of there as quickly and as effectively as is possible. Norwich scares me, beleive me, if ever there's armageddon watch the East my friends, keep a beady eye on our Nor- Folks...

Second Secondary School Sorted Substantially

2004-01-28T13:05:00.000Z

Thursday will be the official start of my second placement at a secondary school. I won't be there full time yet. But it will be an induction day so I can take a good look around, check out everything and son on. My housemate Gus has already been there for his first placement and he said by all accounts it was good.

I'm going there with my girlfriend because she'll be at the same placement. This second placement will last for 3 months. We've never spent so long together, but I'm sure we'll be fine. Firstly we'll be staying at my parents so there's plenty of space plus it will be good to share work, good practice in working in a school etc. I'm looking forward to it.

The school want us there at 8.30am on Thursday, so we need to stay at my folks (20 or so miles from the school) or we'd have to set off from Bristol at midnight. Ok, I have to go, clean my shoes, clean my teeth and clean me ol' whistle. Wish us luck.

See ya'll Friday.

Only in Dreams

2004-01-27T16:55:00.000Z

I forgot to say in my last entry, I remembered my dream from last night.

I had dreamt that I had seen Star Wars 3: As yet untitled.

Now, a lot is riding on this film because it links the classic Star Wars films with the not-so-classic Star Wars films, so it has to be something very very special. It seemed very long and was full of "lazers", "lightsabres" (c) Lucasfilm Ltd. and hairy wookies. Not to mention loads of spaceships in space. However, it was, in hindsight, absolute shit.

It made no sense. No plot. No plot and no plot (Quite realistic if the truth be told).

Does this means my plot- writing facility is not up to par whilst I'm subconscious? I hope so, because if ever the unknown actually made sense to me, I'd be worried. Thats the point of having a sleeping mind. It shouldn't make much sense at the best of times. Its a place where all those ideas, images and feelings slink off to to when the sun goes down. A little night club where all the weirdness in your life hangs out and has a party, shows it in the form of a movie, and you've got the front row seats every night.

But enough of the unknown.

I had another beauty of a dream a few weeks before which I had to write down because quite frankly, it was fucking stupid. Lets just say it was about a Medieval warrior/ king with a guitar in place of a sword and who slayed dragons, witches, orcs, anything wearing lycra etc through the power of music. It had a 'Krull' kind of feeling about it and I could imagine the soundtrack being composed by Brian May and Ronnie Hazlehurst.

Silly, yet I'm glad I dreamt it.

Great Ass Embly

2004-01-27T15:39:00.000Z

Today I went into a secondary school. This happens every Tuesday. I have to this as I'm a student teacher, as do a number of other wannabeteachers. I find it helps my subject knowledge as well as giving me tips on classroom management, tips on assessment and progression of differing abilities of students and gives a positive impression of how the staff are and their relation to each other and to the students.

If I went to a chip shop and asked to see how their OfSTED reports went last year, I'd get hot fat poured over me and then get asked to leave. Therefore going to a secondary school is a good and logical step for me to take.

Our group have been asked to compile an assembly to be given to a whole year 7. The theme was based upon 'Teamwork'. So, with the brief set I went to work.

"Teamwork, teamwork, teamwork... There is no 'I' in teamwork.. hmmm.." I toiled for ages, thought about what kind of demonstrations I could do to entertain and inform the kids with. Could I make a 10 minute assembly interesting, would the kids like it? Would I like it? Fuck!- this was harder than I'd originally thought. Maybe I should just drop the whole damn thing and give someone else, with a bit of nouse a go.

And then it came to me...

The next day (Today) I came into school and showed everyone what I'd been planning for the assembly.

"That's really good Rob, well done."

"We all owe you a pint."

"Cheers"

I received nuff praise from everyone involved and I took it all in smiling from ear to ear. They had all been very impressed with the work I'd presented to them. My girlfriend Jules also on my course has to go to school every Tuesday, many miles away, yet she undertook her assembly last week, and that went down a storm with the students and teachers alike. Its funny how... mine went down a storm too... I wonder..

They're both.... I..

I.. wonder..

Oh hang on, yeah I copied it.

It's all ok, I've sorted out the

2004-01-26T20:46:00.000Z

comments section.

Celebrations for all occasions

2004-01-26T19:31:00.000Z

Firstly, it's getting towards the end of January already. For sweet lord's sake I'm still getting over the New Year (C) shenanigans. I say shenanignas, I meant spending it in Paris stone cold sober which for once, was lovely. It would have spoilt the whole atmosphere to have spent my time drunk in a foreign clime on an important night in the old year/ new year.

Its lovely to see everyone out on New Years, building up the night's ambience to a moment in time when one years becomes another year. I think it would really great if we could place emphasis like this on other chronological events in the year. Say, you get up at 7.20 in the morning to go to work. Wouldn't it be the best damn thing in the world if your bed was surrounded by all your mates, wearing paper hats, bottles of various beers, spirits, glasses of wine, the odd drug and balloons? As soon as the alarm goes off for 7.20, the music yells out from the stereo! Its that Will2K song, its on full blast, your mates all shout "WAAHEEEYYYY!!!"- and you jump up out of bed, stand up in your pyjamas and start moving your hands in slow circles, as if ther both holding huge spoons which are stirring a thick warm soup in front of you.

Thats right! The mornings started! Every morning should be like that, I mean, you could take it turns with other mates, do rotas to go round other mates houses.

Of course, this is fantasy. We don't celebrate 7.20am in the same way we don't celebrate midnight on the 5th of June or 5.30 on a Sunday. No, its a little speck of time, barely tangiable that was thought up thousands of years ago by Romans or Normans or Aztecs- whoever thought up the ideas of dividing night and day in sizeable chunks, calling them Days and the same for evnetually the whole year would never have thought how their work would have made it so that people would be paying up to £100.

Secondly, I can't understand computers at all. Now if you know me well, you'll know I'm currently undertaking a PGCE course in teaching ICT, so I should be king of up to par on these things. But I'm not. I just can't get the comments box to come up on this here site so no-one can talk back to me which is a cwying shame. I will get there, if it takes me all my freakin' life.

Thirdly, babies are the loveliest thing ever. I'm not getting broody but I went over to see my Uncle John and Aunty Babs last night. They have recently started the greatest adventure of their lives by briniging into the world the wonderful Adam, my cuz. They had iinvited over some other friends who also brought their own mini- selves. Well, it was like a nursery, and what a sight to behold! Toys trucks, teddies, mobiles (Yes even babies can check voicemail now), nappies, changing mats and little plastic plates and beakers. I started to play the piano at one point and a little boy called Morgan (2 years) started playing with me. The boy rocked like he was Elton, a regular Pocket Man. His sister Orla was pretty good too, and then we all started singing.

Obviously we were no Emerson, Lake and Palmer but for a nights entertainment it went down well. I said good bye to them later on, both adults and kids alike. And then I left. And I didn't think about the kids again. I still don't think I'm even remotely ready for kids yet. My life is still as fragile and as inconsistent as it was when I was 6 years old, now more than ever. I have to get myself nice and ready, well, fairly ready, as I don't think you can ever truly make yourself set up for the job. A job, that will be left to you and your loved one for pretty much all your life.

- Sorry wrong meeting!-, thats the speech I wrote for the pre- natal class on "Preparing for Fatherhood" at the local leisure centre for next Wednesday.

Kids eh? Coo! Who'd have 'em? Ey? Ey?

I want to attack a taxi with tacky tacks

2004-01-25T13:18:00.000Z

If you wish to book taxis in future always give them your phone number. This will invariably reduce the chance of the taxi driver turning up 5 minutes before the agreed time of collection and then sod off before you and your party have a chance of getting a lift. In a way, the taxi driver is trying to 'bank' time so that he/ she will always be early for the next appointment. Ok. I understand that, its going to be a busy night and you'll need to be on top of your game. Being early is a good thing. BUt I reckon its also good to be punctual as well, as in be present when asked to be present.

Last night I ordered a taxi for 7.45pm outside the Black Castle pub (It IS a castle, and naturally over the years much care and restoration of this wonderful landmark has resulted in it becoming a Townie Magnet.). At 7.45, myself and others came outside, in the bitter cold I may add to find ourselves alone and sans taxi.

After phoning up the rank, we were given the excuse that he had turned up, and by then it was their word against ours and in the end my girlfriend put the phone down on them. (I wouldn't have had the heart to do that, I'd have just said "Ok then byeee!". But afterwards it left us all extremely disillusioned with the state of public transport in this country.
Trying to get home after a hard night can be such an awful pain in the bum its unreal. But for a taxi to not even fulfill the first part of the evening's contract really does sour the rest of the evening.

In the end, I drove into town and left the car in a car park (As opposed to the sea or a skipful of apples). And after another tremndous evening (I wish to thank everyone, especially the birthday girls Faye and Bavs- oh god Tim I sucked your hairy left nipple in a public bar), I nearly drove home, whilst under the influence.

No! Don't worry! I didn't even put key to lock. I was given a slap of good sense to my idiocy and instead were picked up by Bilco's brother Nick, who on reflection is the finest man alive, having come into the city centre at 3am. Very nice car too- thanks mate). But I have lost all respect for taxis now, which is a shame because as with most negative experiences, it is the fault of the few that lays a wider contempt for the lovely many.

Lets have a good time then

2004-01-24T17:07:00.000Z

So, here's the scene. You're thinking of what to do for a night's entertainment. Should you go to the cinema? Bowling perhaps? Nah, you were never really any good at that. And you've already seen Return of the King 1 time too many. No, what you're going to do is GO OUT, dahn th' pub! That's right!

Ok wonderful. So, this pub thing... What do I do? Well you just walk in, order a drink or buy some nuts, pay for it and sit down. Fine, I can deal with that. Doesn't seem too taxing.
Ah. But it IS a friday night. Did I forget to tell you that? And you're going out in a city, not a scenic country pub covered in ivy (probably inside as well as outside), full of old men who walk and talk and look and smell like wizards and where you can smell delicious home made food just around the corner. Nah. Here in the CITY you get to jostle yourself to and fro owing to the differing forces present when going on a 'night' out. This could depepnd on the type of people you're going out with or simply the sheer volume of people in one particular pub.
Ok, so once you've got the green that had you waiting 10 minutes in a Russian supermarket style queue at the cashpoint, it now time to enter a pub. What's that? The large friendly man at the door said we couldn't go in! Full up he said! But.. it's a... pub... Hey ho, lets move on anyway... Oh hang on, thingummy wants to meet up with was-his-face at the.. at... Can we do that? We were meant to be meeting up with you know who and doo- dah in 10 minutes... Suddenly the nights becomes a crisis meeting, talks need to be settled within the minute or by god there'll be a disaster on our hands. Eventually you make a trade off and see a few people here and a few people there, not really spending the right amount of time with any of them and having to leave to get to the next checkpoint.
4 hours later, you're in a dark place with no money and drink spilt all over that new shirt you got for christmas. Now don't get me wrong, I do love going out. Last night I had a tremendous time with my good mates Tim and Nick. And I'm off out again tonight and I can't wait, its an escape from the dull and dreary. A chance to show your true colours, dance, be someone you aren't usually (Alcohol and intake of aids this phenomenon). It's just.. that.. sometimes you can see this activity from a very negative viewpoint.. Grumbling about how much taxis, entrance fees, drinks and more drinks cost throughout the night. The crowds, the noise, the morons, the twats in checked shirts, the ones out to make trouble, the loud, the proud, the fat, the ugly and sometimes the nice. Moaning about how all the kids are getting younger and younger (Oh hang on, I think that's just me) and how the music there playing is just vacuous, synthetic, over-produced- OOH WAIT I LIKE THIS ONE! HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIDEO TO IT?....

2004-01-23T12:34:00.000Z

My fucking shoulder

2004-01-23T12:18:00.000Z

Over the past couple of weeks, I have felt as if a huge wooden splinter has lodged itself in between my right hand shoulder blade. Over last weekend it hurt just to go to bed, but the pain has died down an anwful lot. Even still, the memory of the pain is still there, and I keep getting twinges every now and then.

I believe I am getting on in life, these are a few sneaky peeks into the future for me. Theres no denying it, I'm aging like a fucker.
The other day I knelt down and heard a thousand mini popping sounds as if my knees had a tiny popcorn factory inside them .

Now that would be a sweet thing to have...

I watched A.I. last night with my housemate Gus. Hmm, I thought visually it was brilliant, Spielberg really did a good job in interpreting Kubrick's vision.. But I also thought there was too much schmaltz running toward the end of the film. Ok so we understood that it was Pinoochio 2170 AD, but we really didn't need the "I love you mommy" thing being blasted at us. Alright, so its probably more of a family film, plus I'm reviewing this film, like, 3 years late. Ah well.

Can't beat Tron gadmit.

2004-01-21T22:46:00.000Z

..."!"... (static)... *CRACKLE*.... *CRACKLE*... "Hello? Are we on? Are we live now?"

Oh thank god *crackle*, thank the lord, thank Allah, thank you Buddha, thank you Lionel Blair, cheers to everyone else I can think of. Well, I've finally done it, made meself a little ickle site to voice my opinion, my point of view, my hopes, fears and absent minded observations of the world.

I've been meaning to set up this site for a while now. .but have been putting it off, on, off, on, off - ah fuck it, I've been a wimsie flimsie watchmacallit. The problem was, I was always undecicive. But now, ..I just don't know.

Believe me, theres worse jokes than that in my repertoire..In fact I'll stop right there. Anyhow, hope you're liking this so far, I've got a lot to say, but for the time being I'll call it 24 hours and retire.

I'm just off to figure out how this friggin' thing all works, so I may be some time. I'll figure it out. So long from the first of many.

*crackle*... (static fades out)